It´s always possible to heal a relationship. At least on your side..
The struggle with my father started when I was little and went on into my adulthood. Even when I was about 27, I still cried in silent nights that I´d love to have a different father. I was a sensitive girl, and with my tender soul, I was longing for a deep connection. I was dreaming of having a father who would hold me, protect me, and be here for me as they talked about it in fairy tales and romantic stories. But that was very far from my reality. My father was rather violent instead. Whenever he wanted me to do something, he did not know better than using force.
We were fighting a lot. And it was getting worse throughout time.
When I was 16, one day I came back from school and wanted to use the audio in our living room. My father was there, sitting on the couch. As he saw me, he said: "No way, get out." I was surprised as there was no reason for that and I said "Why? I just want to record this tape." (We were still using tapes at that time. :-)) And he told me something I could not forget for many, many years after. He said: "Get out of here. You were only born to fuck up everything anyway." Somehow it hit me right in the middle of my heart. I felt I was born for much more than that. I felt it was so unfair. The physical violence he used was bad, but this was even worse.
The minute he told me this, my heart ached so much that I could barely breathe. And one minute later I smashed the glass cover of his audio and broke it into million pieces to give him a reason to say this. And I left the apartment and walked for hours in freezing streets of my hometown.
There was much more in our history that just this one night. Long story. When I was an adult, I tried everything I could to make him see what he´s done. To make him be the father, I always wanted. Nothing worked.
And then, one day, on a sunny afternoon, I was reading a book from Bert Hellinger, Love's Hidden Symmetry, and one sentence in this book hit me. It said: "Your parents have given you the most precious gift that exists and that is your life. If they did not give you anything else, this is enough. And the only appropriate response is gratefulness."
And I realized it´s true. I love life. I am so happy I can experience this adventure on planet Earth!
So I stopped pushing. I stopped wanting my father to be someone for me.
And as I stopped pushing, I created space. And in that space, very slowly, we started getting closer. In about two years, I´ve spent 3 days on his yacht with my family, and it was fine. One year later, he gave me a hug. And we laughed together.
We never talked about our relationship again.
But whenever he comes to see me and my family, I can see how grateful he is. No words are needed.
We still laugh. And we still hug. Healing this relationship brought an enormous relief to my life. I´m free.
When we push, we create resistance.
When we accept with gratefulness, we create love.
When I was 16, I´d never believe in a happy end like this. But miracles can really happen anytime.
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